I’m angry today, and this time, instead of pushing those feelings down into a space of benign neutrality, I’m going to use it as a tool.
I know, anger gets a bad reputation, we see it as a flaw in relating, a misalignment of thought, a sure sign that we are wrong for grinding the axes of resentment. Pop psychology wisdom tells us to absolve anger before it eats us alive, or makes us lash out aggressively.
But anger is a universal human emotion for good reason. It’s not a reflection of personal flaws or faulty thinking, it’s actually a vital part of our psychological operations. Anger is generated when our interactions with another person cause damage to our needs. If someone insults your work, this harms your achievement needs and self-esteem. If someone stands you up for a lunch date, this harms your experiential needs and your sense of worthiness. And if someone comes up and kicks you in the head, this harms your survival needs.
Those things make you angry, because your mind is learning what to avoid in the future, and motivating you to take corrective action. If those corrective actions don’t work, anger helps us withdraw and avoid future interactions with harmful people.
When we tell ourselves not to get angry, or when we see anger as a problem to be solved, we stop it from doing its job, and expose ourselves to danger. When we repress anger, neuter it with justification, or ignore it, we remove the shield our minds are naturally trying to hold up in response to attacks, abuse, and mistreatment.
Sometimes anger can go sideways, and that’s when we must control and redirect it. If you lash out toward others, yell, become violent, or engage in emotional terrorism to get revenge, you’re doing it wrong.
If you turn anger inward against yourself and let it lower your self-worth, generate guilt, or internal punishment, you’re doing it wrong.
But if you use anger to regulate your boundaries, if you use it to limit your exposure to people who are harmful, and reconsider your contribution to the relationship, then you’re doing anger right.
Anger can help us master the subtle art of not giving a F$%^, it can help us see clearly what we don’t owe other people, it gives us permission to pull back when we need to. Anger gives us the courage to speak up for ourselves, ask for what we need, and take measures to correct toxic relationship dynamics.
So don’t banish anger from your mind and relationships, let it do its job. Once that job is done, the anger will dissolve on its own, it can actually strengthen your relationships, and you’ll function better having used it correctly. With that positive image in mind, I’m feeling less angry already.
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